Rainy Days

let me just say this, ok?

i am not okay.

you don't know how it feels like being in the cold and unfriendly side of the world with no family to turn to, no friends to help you laugh your troubles away, no boyfriend when you are in dire need of a hug, and no familiar place you can go to when you feel so sad and alone.

maybe these are all just in my mind or a consequence of thinking too much when you've got nothing else to do. believe me, i've been trying to cheer myself up. i am forcing myself not to think too much, directing my attention to things that have interested me before but to no avail.

i still feel so sad and alone.

i am lost without a cause.

unmotivated.

uninspired to become the best that i can be.

i think i am stuck in the pre-adulthood crisis, or so i think i am. it's like i am at this point in my life when i don't know which way to go, which road to take.

i've been praying to God, asking Him what He wants me to be and where in this world should He want me to serve. i want to know the reason for my existence. what on earth am i here for?

i have a lot of dreams for myself when i was younger. i wanted to become a missionary, a doctor, a chef, or a photojournalist. marrying the man i love, raising wonderful kids and having a simple yet a happy home are all part of the list too. but before i settle down i want to find myself first, be the woman that i ought to be so that i could completely and selflessly give myself to others. 

i used to think that my dreams and aspirations are enough to make me successful. then i realized that at some point in my life, i need to stop thinking about what i want and start thinking about how i could take part in God's marvelous plan for humankind.

i believe i am a step closer towards happiness and contentment though i still don't know for now where i'm heading. i am letting go of the plans and dreams i've made for myself. sometimes we need to let life unfold itself before our very eyes and decide on things when the right time comes.   

 i am young. i am smart. i am talented (i think). and most of all, i have the gift of FAITH and the capacity to LOVE.

everything will fall into place in due time.
just give me some time to figure out myself first.